Published on The Higgs-Weldon
Intercom: Number 56, next available window please. 56, next available window.
Commander: This is taking forever. Scientist, update us.
Scientist: Let’s see: we’ve been here approximately forty-five minutes; I predict we’ll be here for another hour. At least.
Disposable Character: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Commander: Disposable Character, get a hold of yourself. What’s wrong with you?
Disposable Character: It’s nothing, Sir. I just… I have to pee.
Arrogant Marine: (Incredulous) Oh my god.
Commander: No. It’s too risky. They could call your number at any second.
Scientist: I’m afraid he’s right.
Disposable Character: But they’re on number 56. I’m number 112!
Attractive Female Engineer: Come on, Charles. He’s got to pee.
Arrogant Marine: Whoa-ho-ho! Since when do you go by Charles, Commander?
Commander: Cool it, Arrogant Marine. Fine. Have it your way, Disposable Character. We’ve got your six.
Disposable Character drops his alien rocket launcher and runs to the bathroom.
Arrogant Marine: (laughs) He’s a goner.
Attractive Female Engineer shoots Arrogant Marine a dirty look.
Intercom: Due to a malfunction with our number generator, the next number is 112. Number 112, next available window.
Attractive Female Engineer: 112 was Disposable Character’s number
Commander: My god.
Attractive Female Engineer: Someone’s got to go get him.
Arrogant Marine: No way, honey. As soon as one of us leaves, they’ll call their number, and that’s two of us who won’t get their alien rocket launcher license renewed. Nuh-uh. I’m staying right here.
Attractive Female Engineer: What are you suggesting? That we just leave him in there? That we just let them skip his number?
Scientist: There’s nothing we can do for him now.
Attractive Female Engineer: Bullshit. I took a vow to never leave another man behind. I’m going after him.
Commander: But you’re a girl! Girls can’t go running into the boys’ bathroom! Someone’s bound to get embarrassed!
Attractive Female Engineer: (loading her alien rocket launcher) I know the risks.
Commander: Jennifer, please. You’re number 113. You’re next. Don’t do this.
Attractive Female Engineer: I’m sorry, Charles. This is something I’ve got to do.
Attractive Female Engineer and Commander lock eyes.
Arrogant Marine: Geez! Get a room you two!
Arrogant Marine and Scientist high-five. Scientist nervously adjusts his glasses, unaccustomed to spanking digits with cool marines.
Commander: Fine. Just go.
Arrogant Marine watches Attractive Female Engineer walk to the bathroom. He whistles and looks at Commander.
Arrogant Marine: Nice.
Commander: Watch yourself, son.
Intercom: Number 113, next available window, please. 113, next available window.
Commander: Jennifer! Jennifer, that’s you!
Scientist: When will it end?
Arrogant Marine: Don’t worry, sir. She got herself into this bag of dicks, she can get herself out.
Commander: What am I doing? I’ve got to go after her.
Scientist: I wouldn’t advise that, sir. According to my readings—
Commander: To hell with reading! I’m going, and that’s an order.
Commander makes his way to the bathroom, alternately crawling and ducking behind chairs, aiming his alien rocket launcher at possible threats, mostly harmless civilians.
Arrogant Marine: Looks like it’s just you and me, four eyes.
Intercom: Number 114, next available window, please. 114, next available window.
Scientist: That’s me.
Arrogant Marine: Well, at least one of us is getting their license renewed today.
A pipe bursts in the bathroom. Water leaks from underneath the door. Arrogant Marine and Scientist aim their launchers at the bathroom. Seconds pass.
Intercom: Last call, 114. 114, last call.
Arrogant Marine: Go. I’ve got this.
Scientist walks to the counter a few feet away.
Attractive Female Engineer and Commander return from the bathroom. The commander is limping and supported by Attractive Female Engineer. Commander is covered in toilet water.
Arrogant Marine: My god, Sir! What the hell happened? Where’s Disposable Character?
The Commander speaks with great difficulty.
Commander: Still pooping. Says he’ll come back. Tuesday. After work.
Arrogant Marine: But why are you so wet?
Commander: Alien fixing the toilet. Pipe busted.
Arrogant Marine cocks his alien rocket launcher. Scientist returns.
Scientist: Did you say alien?
Attractive Female Engineer: He means a foreigner. He’s just old-fashioned.
They all laugh and spank digits.
Arrogant Marine: I’m glad you’re alright, Sir.
Intercom: 115, next available window please. 115, next window.
Arrogant Marine: Well, that’s me.
Commander: Go. I’ll be alright.
Commander gives Arrogant Marine a wry smile, because even though he’s arrogant, the Commander sees something of himself in him.
Arrogant Marine: Is that an order?
Commander: Aw, get outta here.
Arrogant Marine has learned something about respect. He salutes and leaves. Commander gives Attractive Female Engineer a deep kiss.
Scientist: Get a room, you two!
This time, it’s Scientist who offers Arrogant Marine, standing at the counter a few feet away, his digits for the spanking. They high-five.
Arrogant Marine: Atta boy, four eyes.